The last 3 weeks I have immersed myself back into our story, Andrew’s story in particular. That’s how the book I pitch today and tomorrow to two different publishers begins.
I just read a really great quote:
This summer I’ve found that to be true. Tasting my life in retrospect taught me something.
As I revisited that time in our lives, when everything suddenly turned upside down, one line I wrote jumped out at me as soon as it left my fingers.
“Everyone felt better with something to do.”
The line from my book references our initial crisis with Andrew and his first round of status seizures. The local hospital to which we rushed could not stop the seizures. They contacted Children’s hospital in D.C. to send a med-evac helicopter for transport.
While we waited, uncertain when Children’s would arrive as they had some minor delay on their part, the local ER doctors suggested they should intubate Andrew to protect his airway. Unsettled by the wait, we agreed and in my recount I wrote: Everyone felt better with something to do.
That line’s importance comes from something I realized.
The hardest place to trust is in the wait.
I realized through this summer’s writing endeavor that the places I struggled with God always involved waiting. Waiting filled with unknown. Waiting that fueled what ifs. So often the anticipation and/or dread of an event affects me more than the event itself.
Waiting for the seizures to stop.Waiting for Andrew’s healing to come.
Waiting for my husband to want to fight the depression.
Waiting for the end of Peter’s decline… not wanting it but living in constant dread of it’s arrival.
Even now, the days before an anniversary of the boys’ birthdays or passing proves harder than the day itself.
Waiting. Can you relate?
Once a crisis or event transpires, when you are in the midst of it, it seems easier to believe. Adrenaline, action and desperate need fuel your thoughts. The unknown becomes known and you move through your fears.
But when you wait, the unknown morphs into all kinds of shapes, presentations and fears. That’s when I struggle to trust.
We see it in scripture too. God calls Gideon to fight the Midianites. The Angel of the Lord himself shows up to deliver the assignment. But Gideon doubts and repeatedly puts out his fleece, asking for signs. Even the night before the battle, God knows his heart. He sends Gideon down to the enemy camp to hear the Midianites’ fears to strengthen his faith. Gideon struggled to trust until the time arrived to actually fight.
David too struggled in his wait. Anointed by Samuel as a young shepherd boy, God appointed him as the next king of Israel. Yet he had to wait over 20 years before that became a reality. Much of those 20 years was spent in exile, hiding from the current king, dependent on God for his safety and timing.
My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long? Ps. 6:3
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Ps. 13:1-2
How long, Lord, will you look on? Rescue me from their ravages, my precious life from these lions. Ps. 35:17
What dream has God given you? What longing stirs your soul yet hides from your eyes? What are you waiting for?
Can I encourage you to not be discouraged?! This is the battle. You are not waiting for the battle. You are in it.
It’s hardest to trust when we cannot see, when we wait for the answer, wait for the promise to become a reality. But our faithfulness here secures our victory.
Our faithfulness here proves we serve God for who he is, not what he will do. We worship because he’s worthy independent of gifts.
If God has made you a promise, it will come to pass. He is responsible for that result. My job, your job, is to fight for faith.
Look at his goodness.Remember his past faithfulness.
Meditate on his unchanging character.
Resist the temptation to dictate timing.
Simply rest in his promise and be obedient to that which he assigns this day.
I am not responsible to bring about fulfillment of the promise. I’m only responsible for obedience in the day to day. I’m only responsible to maintain my trust.
The hardest place to trust is in the wait.But for me, knowing that is the battleground, encourages me to persevere.